On Becoming a Man
by Sweet Mania
Summary: What if Clay hadn't left the room at Jessica's party? What if he chose to stay with Hannah? Would he overcome his fears, his social awkwardness, his hesitations? I'm taking the reader back to that room, and I explore what strengths' Clay will need to develop to become a man. Please leave comments as this is my first story here.
1. Chapter 1

Becoming a Man

Chapter One: Being Courageous

Note: I do not own any characters of this story. I do not own the images and the words that are in italics.

I am taking the reader to the room where Clay and Hannah are during Jessica's party. Let's go...

 _Clay bended slowly towards Hannah. She was looking at him with eager eyes. They shared a kiss. And another one. And they could not stop._

 _Their clothes were unbuttoned, their skin was exposed._

 _And Clay asked: "This, okay?"_

 _Hannah answered, with a bright smile: "Yeah, more than okay."_

 _But, in her brain, images of all the other guys who had hurt her appeared, flashed, and she could not take in Clay's affection, not right now, not there, not with everyone else downstairs. Her words came out, a cry for help:_

 _"Stop it!"_

 _Did I hurt you?_

 _Just don't!_

 _"I mean… What, what happened?"_

 _Clay didn't know what happened. He had absolutely no idea of the pain that Hannah was into. But he could tell, she was in great distress. He was hurt, too._

 _"I thought it was okay!"_

 _" Just leave me alone. Just leave me alone, Clay. You should just go."_

 _Clay couldn't understand what was happening. He had been hoping for that moment for so long, secretly dreaming that she would accept a kiss from him._

 _"Are you all right?", he asked, wondering what he did wrong, why his world was now falling apart after he had had a glimpse of what it could have been._

 _"Hannah."_

 _"Get the fuck out!", she answered._

Clay thought of leaving. He put back his shirt, turned back, walked a few steps, and touched the handle of the door. He was so afraid that he might have done something wrong, that he might have broken the light in Hannah's eyes. But then, he realized they were in a party, with all these kids downstairs who had said awful words to Hannah.

He turned around one more time. He took a deep breath, and he claimed:

"I'm not going anywhere, not until I know you are ok. They only reason why I would leave this room is if you tell me I hurt you and I am not your friend."

He heard his own words, surprised of his assertion. He stated them to convince her, but to convince him as well. Now, did Hannah hear his words too, did she understand them? Would she allow him to stay, would she hold on to his friendship?

Hannah didn't say a word. She didn't ask Clay to leave one more time. She just sobbed. All the bullying hurt, but it felt comforting to know that Clay wasn't leaving her alone. He was just there, and that was reassuring. Maybe she still had one friend, after all.

And then, "Boom", the door was forcefully opened by Justin Foley, followed by Jessica, both kissing passionately. Clay and Hannah watched the couple in surprise. Jessica said: "Is this my room, or not?", while looking at her former friend and Clay.

Clay took Hannah by the hand, and said, gently: "Let's get out of here."

Hannah obeyed, leaving her hand in his.

The touch of Hannah's hand in Clay's palm was so soft, so tender, but also so weak, he knew she needed someone to stay with her for longer. He felt the terrible pain she was into, as if the feeling went from her hand to his. Once they were in the hallway, on top of the staircase, Clay stated, once again surprised at his own assertiveness:

"Let's get out of here. Let's go anywhere far from this party and these kids."

Hannah nodded at his sentence. It was an imperceptible movement of her head, but it signalled her acceptance of Clay's idea. She couldn't move more than that anyway. All the pain, the sadness, the exhaustion of keeping these emotions for herself, made it impossible to think, let alone to move more than what she had been doing.

And Clay's presence felt safe. Through her blurred ideas, she thought: "Let's try to confide in someone one last time, let's try to keep that friend and allow myself to be who I am."

They found themselves outside the house, where Clay saw Jeff staring at the couple with a large smile. Clay made a small grin to his friend, but didn't want to start a real conversation. Jeff knew better than to come and talk to the couple anyway.

Clay didn't know where to go, or what to do. His head was full of questions, his heart full of guilt for how Hannah reacted to their encounter, compassion for her sadness, and hope for a better future for her. Well, a better outcome for them, too.

He was still holding her hand even if they were outside. She was still walking behind him, as if he was bringing her somewhere safe to comfort her. Clay turned over to face her, and he was relieved to see she wasn't crying at that moment. But she looked upset, fragile, and beautiful. Clay paused, staring at Hannah's eyes that glanced at the ground.

"Hannah, look at me."

Hannah felt ashamed. Because she refused his affection even when it felt good to be in his arms, because she screamed at him whereas he had been so kind to her, because she could not take care of her emotions by herself. She didn't have the strength to look at him or even to answer him with words, so she shook her head.

And Clay said: "That's okay. You want to go somewhere quiet with me?"

Hannah nodded.

Clay's brain was working so fast. He sensed an urgency at finding a place for Hannah to feel safe, so that she might be able to open up to him.

And he inquired: "Is my place okay?"

Hannah nodded once more.

Clay took Hannah's arm and placed it on inside of his elbow. He put his opposite hand on hers and they started walking. They walked slowly, they didn't exchange a single word. The might was a witness to their shared affliction.

They got to Clay's house and he opened the door as quietly as he could. He offered a glass of water to Hannah, which she accepted. He leaded her upstairs to his room. They both sat on the bed, side by side, and none of them said a word.

Clay waited a moment to see if Hannah would express something, if not though her words, than through her gestures. But she was immobile, like a wax statue. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and found the courage to mutter:

"I'm here Hannah. It's going to be okay."


	2. Chapter 2 - Being Present

Note: Thank you for your comments and to those who added my first chapter to their favorite story.

This is my first story and English is my second language, so I would welcome any comments!

This chapter might feel a bit slow, but bear with me, the pace will increase in the next chapters.

Please note that I haven't taken into account anything that happens in Season 2 of the show.

Chapter 2: On Being Present

"I'm here Hannah, with you," Clay repeated one more time. The quiet atmosphere in his room made him feel uncomfortable. He was used to having long pauses when chatting with Hannah, but this kind of heavy silence was new and uncomfortable. He wished he could have found something witty and fun to say, just to get a chance to see Hannah giggle one more time. But he knew that he had to wait for her to speak her heart out.

He looked intensely at Hannah. Even with her mascara that had drip down, her red eyes and her now short hair, she still looked absolutely beautiful. But Clay also saw the pain she was in. And he found nothing to say. So he waited.

Slowly, Hannah's eyes started to fill with tears. They formed a watery path on her beautiful cheeks. Hannah was completely lost in her feelings and her memories of all that had happened to her in the last few months. She didn't know just where to start, what to say. It was normally so easy to speak to Clay. But this time, all she wanted was him to be there. And not say anything.

Gently, Clay placed his arm on Hannah's curved back. She laid her head on his shoulder. She could hear his heart beating and she could feel the subtle movement of his chest filling in and emptying out of air while he was breathing. She felt safe and welcomed, for the first time in what had seemed like an eternity.

That's when the pain, the sobs, and eventually the words started pouring out of her, as if she had no control on how she was expressing herself. It came from a deeper part of her. Maybe she hadn't noticed before how she could be so intense, so emotional, and so broken.

Clay was receiving Hannah's grief with compassion and he listened with attention. He didn't ask any questions. He didn't judge. Hannah told him about Justin and he felt jealous of him. He wished he had been Hannah's first crush, and first kiss. But he kept it for himself. Hannah told him about Marcus. At that moment, Clay felt a rush of adrenaline run through his body and he fantasizes about punching him in the groin, but once again he refrained from saying anything.

Hannah told Clay about Jess and Alex, and how she missed her two friends. How they hurt her by leaving her aside. This time Clay imagined himself using the best words to make fun of Alex and Jess in the cafeteria, to have revenge over them. He also thought of a scenario where he found a way to force Jess and Justin to break up. But now was not the time to share his ideas to Hannah.

Hannah told Clay about Courtney. Clay was so shocked to learn that Hannah had kissed a girl, he started to wonder if Hannah had been in the closet all that time; that might have explained Hannah why reacted so intensely at his kiss in Jessica's room. But he kept his fears for himself; he would get a chance to ask Hannah about her sexual orientation another time.

And, all of a sudden, Hannah was finished. Everything had come out and she felt so tired. She apprehended Clay's reaction. Would he act like everyone else and use her confessions against her? She imagined Clay repeating her words to Jess and Alex, to Justin, and everyone laughing at her for being so sensitive. In her fantasy, Clay was using her story to gain power and acceptance at school.

Clay looked at Hannah. She seemed relieved, but still fragile, and worried. She was completely lost in her thoughts, almost as if she had forgotten where and with whom she was. It seemed almost inconceivable to him that she was in his bedroom, let alone in his bed.

Hannah finally looked at him, and her confused frown disappeared when she saw his tender blue eyes looking at her. At that moment, her delusion shifted to a intense need, an she imagined kissing him. Without even noticing it, she started turning her head towards him and closing her eyes while getting her lips closer to his.

Clay didn't kiss Hannah back, although he saw her move, and felt a intense desire to feel her lips against his again. He felt that it was not the right time and the right moment to kiss her once more. What she needed was to feel safe and reassured, and he simply said:

"You need to sleep, Hannah. All these tears are exhausting."

He stood up, went to his drawers, took a t-shirt and pyjama pants, and simply presented them to her. He leaded her to the bathroom, closed the door behind her, and he changed in his bedroom.

Hannah was surprised that he didn't kiss her back, but, deep down, she knew Clay did the right thing by suggesting she get some rest. She changed in the bathroom, then got back to his room. Clay had disposed a blanket and a pillow on the floor, and he leaded Hannah to his bed, which was half undone, and ready for Hannah to step in. Hannah got in, and Clay tucked her in, turned off the light and went to sleep on the floor.

Hannah felt lonely and the pain was starting to get back to her. She asked:

"Clay, could you come with me for the night?"


	3. Chapter 3 - Being Honest

Note: Sorry for the delay. I can only get to writing when I am on a given mindset. And I watched 13RW season 2, which disturbed me and my ideas completely. Here is the 3rd chapter, and I decided to ignore season 2 in my story.

Chapter 3: On Being Honest

Clay woke up to the small rays of light in his eyes. The sun appeared to be pretty high already. Hannah was still loved against him, and she was sound asleep. They just fell asleep together the night before, without kissing or loving each other. He was amazed by her beauty and he could not believe she was in his bed.

And then, he heard the familiar noises of his parents preparing breakfast downstairs. That is when he realized he had brought a girl home, without asking for permission, or them knowing even who she was.

He thought of finding a way to make Hannah leave their home without telling his parents. She could go through the back door or wait in his room until his parents were somewhere else in the house. But she meant too much for him. He didn't want to hide her; he wanted to tell the world how wonderful and gorgeous she was, even his parents.

Hannah slowly opened her eyes and smiled at Clay. She moved backwards in the bed to put a gap between him and her. She seemed embarrassed, and then she asked:

Oh, what time is it? I better get going!"

Clay could not see her leave, not now. He asked her to stay, and said he would simply tell his parents what they needed to know. He went to the bathroom to change while she was changing in his bedroom, and together they went downstairs and in the kitchen.

"Mom, Dad, Clay announced, we have a guest for breakfast."

Lainie turned her head with suspicion towards Clay, while Matt didn't stop reading his newspapers. Then Lainie asked him:

"And what is _her_ name?"

Hannah answered : "Good morning Ms. and Mr. Jensen, my name is Hannah."

Matt looked above his newspaper to see Hannah's face, and then got back to reading.

Lainie didn't bother to answer Hannah with the expected "Nice to meet you". She was still looking intensely at Clay, trying to make sense of the fact that her son had brought a girl in his bedroom without even _informing_ her or Matt.

Clay knew his mother would want an explanation. He said, calmly, but firmly:

"Hannah and I were at the party yesterday. She needed someone to bring her back home safely. We were too tired to walk to her home in the end, so I invited her here.

Lainie didn't mind that Hannah was standing right in front of her. She answered Clay: "You could have slept on the couch, then.

Knowing his wife would make Hannah feel uncomfortable, Matt looked above his newspaper for the second time and said:

"Come and have a seat Hannah, are you hungry? We will add a place setting for you.

Lainie was about to add another comment when Matt added: "I am sure Clay did what was in the best interest of his friend; we have raised him to help others and show respect.

After these words, everyone sat at the table and started eating. At first, the meal was silent, but after a few minutes, Lainie started telling Hannah funny stories about when Clay when was young. Hannah laughed with her beautiful smile and kind heart; Lainie could not help but like Hannah's laugh and kind eyes. And of course, she noticed how Clay watched Hannah, his eyes glowing, his furtive looks at her, and his shy smile.

The breakfast was ending and Hannah helped Lainie put the dishes away.

Clay offered to walk Hannah back.

They had been walking silently for a while, when Hannah stopped in front of Monet's, her favourite café. She turned towards him, and asked:

"Clay, why did you do this for me?"

Clay turned towards Hannah and took a deep breath in: "Because I like you… Well, that is not entirely true. Because you matter so much to me, and I could not bear the sight of you crying. I have never been more afraid that I had done something wrong when I saw you screaming at me in Jess' room yesterday."

Hannah answered nothing. She looked at Clay and her face didn't show any sign of emotion. Clay was about to ask if he said anything wrong, or change subjects by saying random stuff, get back to where he felt comfortable. Then, suddenly, Hannah circled her hands around his neck and kissed him. A short kiss on the lips.

That kiss felt so welcomed, so warm, so sweet. Clay wanted more but the thought of yesterday at the party prevented him from kissing her deeper. He was surprised, almost stunned. He didn't even have a chance to kiss her back before she took her lips off of his.

But this time, Hannah wasn't afraid of being hurt anymore. She felt safe with Clay. So she looked at him, and, taking her time, slowly bent her head while coming closer to him. And this time, Clay felt Hannah's need to connect to him, and he left all his fears aside, kissing her back with tender passion.

How long did that kiss lasted? They both had been dreaming of it for so long, they just savoured each other's lips and tongue for what could have lasted for hours.

But they were interrupted by Ryan, directing his phone towards them while getting out of Monet, and saying out loud on a mischievous tone: "Look at the poet and the geek sharing a kiss! What a great gif this is going to make!"

Neither Clay nor Hannah did have a chance to grab Ryan's phone before he sent the video of them to someone else.


End file.
